


Don’t be a Bitch!

by Myriadblvck



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, Headcanon, M/M, Piercings, Some Humor, baz is a brat, dev is also a pussy, fiona is giving out piercings for the sQuAd, simon is a pussy, some bros being bros (as fuck), team baz has so many fucking piercings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28213296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myriadblvck/pseuds/Myriadblvck
Summary: The squad getting piercings. it’s a crack fic.
Relationships: Dev & Niall & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Dev & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Fiona Pitch & Simon Snow, Fiona Pitch & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Mordelia Grimm & Simon Snow, Mordelia Grimm & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, fiona - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Don’t be a Bitch!

**Author's Note:**

> Simon is a delinquent in this drabble, i felt like he needed to have his bitch i grew up in boys’ homes vibe in something i wrote.

**NO POV**

”You’re such a bitch, Dev!” Baz shouts, pointing at Dev with accusing fingers. They were all gathered in Fiona’s tattoo and piercing shop, getting piercings as a last minute decision. It’s not like Simon and Baz were celebrating their wedding, doing reckless wedding things. Nah, definitely not. 

“Am not! Snow doesn’t want to go first either! Call him a little bitch!!” Dev defends himself, gesturing to Niall and Simon off in front of different drawings of tattoos and examples of piercings, jewelry also showcased. 

“Dev, Simon admits on the daily that he is a little bitch. You do not. You lost fair and square at the bloody bars, so you pick out a goddamn piercing. Even Mordelia is getting pierced before you!” Baz aggressively gestured to the teenager idly sitting in the chair, not even flinching as Fiona passed a needle through the middle of her nose. She would make a great Pitch, Baz assumed. 

With the things she did to irk their father, Baz considered her Pitch, not Grimm. Things had gotten out of hand after Malcolm decided he didn’t want to attend The “SnowBaz Shit-Show”, as Fiona called it. Mordelia was acting more like Baz by the second, rebelling with every fiber in her teenage body. 

“Oh, shut the fuck up!” Dev groaned loudly. 

“Oi, Moord, check this out!” Simon had called when Mordelia had a simple ring settled in the hole in her nose. Mordelia scampered over and jumped onto Simon’s shoulders as he pointed out some cool looking nose rings. Simon was lingering around several different tattoos, pointing them out to Niall. 

Baz wondered if he could convince him to get something done for shits and giggles. 

“Oi, Dev, get your ugly ass in the chair.” Fiona slapped the chair harshly, ushering Dev over. “It’s just a bloody ear piercing. Don’t be a baby.” Dev only make a ‘tch’ noise before Fiona started to disinfect his ear. 

The group gathered around, cheering on Dev for growing a pair. Well, Simon was being a good brother-in-law and hyping up Mordelia, but that’s besides the point. 

“Ah! What the fuck! That shit hurted!” Dev hissed in pain, making Niall coo at the man mockingly. 

“Quit being a prat, Niall.” Dev spat. 

“Shut the hell up! Snow’s next.” Niall scoffed. 

Baz knew Simon wouldn’t even flinch at the needle in his skin. He had a questionably high pain tolerance, but Baz knew that it was due to growing up in different homes his whole life and starting fights when needed. 

“Alright, what are you getting, Chavvy bastard?” Dev watched Simon leisurely make his way into the chair and lean back, his undercut making it easy for Fiona to add the four cartilage piercings he was getting. 

“Oi, fuck off my arse, yeah?” Simon raised a brow and made a ‘tch’ noise. He grinned brightly at Baz, motioning for him to come over. “What are you getting, love? Oh, felt that.” Simon’s last sentence was a snort when Fiona did a quick jab with the new needle and gently pulled a golden hoop through the new hole. 

“Just getting my lobes done.” Baz smiled slyly when Simon rolled his eyes and rested his hands on his hips, idly chatting away as Fiona stabbed holes into his head. 

“Baz, you should get your bellybutton pierced. If dad ever saw he would have an aneurysm!” Mordelia snorted, making Baz chuckle softly and cover his mouth. 

“Oi,” Simon dragged Baz’s hand off his mouth, “don’t cover your smile, twat.” Baz grinned at Simon softly before letting out an undignified snort. Baz’s eyes fixated on a curl that was out of place, squinting his eyes and pulling and twisting it into a proper place that pleased him. 

“Gods, stop fucking groping each other!” Dev whined, falling onto the couch and pretending to gag into the nearby garbage bin. 

“You really are single, huh, Dev? This is not groping! It’s nasty, domestic canoodling.” Baz sneered at his cousin. Naill snorted out a laugh, hitting Dev on the head. 

“Don’t bully the big virgin boy!” 

“Niall, everybody in this fucking room is a virgin except for you. Go choke on a cock.” Dev responded to Niall’s mocking coo. 

Baz paused to stare at them. He decided that they would fall in love in the next year. 

“All done.” Simon grinned and hopped off the chair dramatically. A ring-clad hand ruffled his hair while he looked at the new double hoop on one side, and hoop that connected to a sweet _BP_ in cursive letters under it with a chain. “That looks sick.” Simon breathed. 

Simon had been sprouting two golden hoops on his ears since he appeared in the posh private school Baz went to, challenging each teacher that chastised him for it. ‘Only the girls are allowed to wear earrings, Mr. Snow.’ To which Simon would simply lean back defiantly. 

When Baz had seen the boy that had his collar popped, tie undone, worn out sneakers propped up on the desk as he spat out slang that only came from the other side of town, he knew he was going to fall in love hard. 

And fall in love he did. 

Baz remembers once, a boy had shouted something about Simon being a ‘fag’. Baz watched as Simon slowly turned with a bright smile and responded with a ‘If it bothers you so much, you must be in the bloody closet, mate’ before getting sent to the office for starting a fight. 

And then, the beautiful golden boy was forced onto Baz’s care. Baz didn’t mind a bit. The first thing Simon had said however was, “You look sort of dead inside, mate. You all right?” And Baz nearly went up in flames. He had slowly tamed the defensive boy into a calmer version, wearing his collar down (wearing his tie for the first two lessons before shoving it in Baz’s backpack all cheeky). He no longer abused the other boys with his words. Simon softened into the golden boy of the school, rough around the edges, but a clumsy sweetheart on the insides. 

“You’ve got that lovesick look, Basil! I might die of sweetness, fuck!” Dev kicked Baz in the thigh pointedly, shaking Baz out of his sweet remembrance. 

Simon was quick to kick Dev back, defensive nature still alive. “Watch out, Si’s gon’ rock your shit, Dev!” Mordelia snorted at the way Dev grimaced at the power of Simon’s kick. 

“Be nice, sweetheart.” Baz softly whispered to the possessive man next to him. “It’s just Dev being a prick.” Baz then proceeded to wrap his arms around Simon’s waist and sway them side to side. 

“Bloody arsehole is what he is.” Simon’s voice was mumbled and huffy. His chin jutted out defensively as if he was back in middle school, defending himself from the prying eyes of the other boys and girls. “I think I wanna get our dates here.” Simon’s tone shifted to the sweet voice Baz knew as home. Simon moved one of Baz’s hands up to the back of his neck. 

“I think that you can do whatever you please, and I’ll bloody love it.” Baz rubbed over the freckled skin before moving his hand back down to squeeze Simon around the waist while peppering kisses to said spot. Simon let out a soft laugh, music to Baz’s ears. 

“Let’s sit on the couch and watch the idiots.” Baz pulled away after a couple of minutes. Simon complied and dragged Baz to the couch, sitting before pulling him into his lap and wrapping his arm around his shoulders to keep him close. 

Baz’s hear did swift cartwheels before settling back in its rightful spot. “What’s he getting again?” Niall had changed his mind and was now getting a tattoo between his shoulder blades. 

“Not sure, Baz.” Simon gently scratched Baz’s upper arm and shoulder, keeping him close and protected. Baz tucked his legs up under himself and leaned into Simon’s warmth, closing his eyes. “Hey, don’t sleep.” Simon moved his hand to his neck and flicked Baz in the jaw. 

“Ouch!” Baz fake whined in an attempt to make Simon bluster and apologize like he used to back in high school. To his dismay, Simon’s eyes only squinted slightly as he caressed the spot gently making a ‘tsk’ sound at the lack of damage. “Bastard.” Baz closed his eyes again and shuffled into Simon’s lap, feeling him adjust so he was nearly laying on the couch. 

“You’re fine. I can fuss over your ‘wound’ at the flat when we show Pen our cool new piercings.” Simon pushed some raven hair out of the way to kiss Baz on the temple. “And ‘s not like you want to be all soft around human beings, you stoic arse,” Simon huffed out a laugh, caressing Baz’s cheek gently and watching the way he flushed prettily across the nose. 

Like first year, Simon remembered. He would compliment Baz on his grades just to see the pretty flush that would take over the tips of his ears and the bridge of his nose. Simon wouldn’t say a word and burn the image into his brain to think about later on when he was out past curfew to go muck about with his friends that weren’t really his friends. 

Simon grinned before pressing a couple more kisses to his now husband’s brow bone and the highest point of his cheek to watch the flush get deeper and stormy eyes peer up with him with love. Simon’s chest tightened as he let his eyes roam back and forth between each iris.

Each was special in its own way. One had flecks of blue and darker greys, even hints of violet. The other seemed to be pure grey, only that there were some streams of a violet more similar to blue swarming around the pupil. “You’re gorgeous.” Simon whispered softly, amazed with the beauty of the man in front of him. “So bloody gorgeous,” he sounded breathless. It was worth it, seeing Baz’s pupils dilate with love before he hid in his neck. 

“Shut up.” Baz has murmured against the skin, making Simon Burst out in giggles. 

In the end, Penelope Bunce ripped Simon a new one for not inviting her to see Dev and Niall be babies about getting simple piercings in their ears. 

The next day, Simon got the date of their wedding on the back of his neck in neat letters that were Baz’s elegant cursive. 

Simon was shocked a week later when Baz had changed for a football game he had arranged with some blokes from high school and the exact same date (in Simon’s ugly ass chicken scratch) small on his ring finger. Simon proceeded to cry from love and adoration. 

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve recently been thinking about a hood rat simon that wears rings made from spoons and shit and has tattoos hidden in places only Baz knows about. 
> 
> I have also been thinking about both boys with hand tattoos. 
> 
> Also, did i say no magic AU? i cant tag this shit correctly at 3am 😳😳 
> 
> muah, drink water and eat ur food. even if it’s just a bit! do it for me n the boys (i beg u) ur beautiful n i fuckin love u if you’re reading this come here so i can kiss your forehead you beautiful creature (because creature is gender neutral) 
> 
> also, am i gonna write more of this? probably not, probably will. Probably gonna write some xmas fics. should probably finish my own fics. 
> 
> anyway! have a good day/night/evening/whatever the frick ur having rn. go watch anime! go read a book! go write fanfics! pursue ur dreams!!! 
> 
> okay i’ll fucking go now LMFAO ily muah


End file.
